Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD

Introduction to This Blog Series

I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD. 

But, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.

ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.

Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.

Anxiety

Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:

Alcohol Addiction

As well, I have a history of alcohol addiction.

On February 17th, 2022 I celebrate my second year living an alcohol-free life.

My Struggles With Alcohol Can be Read in These Blogs:

Present Day

And now, at 52 years old, and after a thorough assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist – I am finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.

And, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, perhaps I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.

As well, perhaps I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like, for those who are also walking this path.

With hope,

Stephanie, 💛

June 6th, 2019 - Jordan - Wadi Rum - Early Morning Camel Trek to Watch the Sun Rise
June 6th, 2019 – Jordan – Wadi Rum – Early Morning Camel Trek to Watch the Sun Rise

First Then Last – If You Struggle With Addiction Like I Do – Beware

But, I will come to this.

Open License to Find My Own Dosage

I began taking medically prescribed CBD for anxiety.

I had open license – at a significant financial cost as medically prescribed THC and CBD is not covered under my insurance plan – to legally buy high quality THC and CBD products and have it delivered to my door.

Sounds great, ‘eh!

First, the prescription isn’t really monitored by a doctor.

The doctor signs the prescription – then informs me to find a CBD “dosage” that works for me.

This was very unnerving, as I had no idea how much to take.

And, I was told that a daily dosage for some can be as high as 1500mg a day.

Initially, I would get bi-weekly calls from the medical marijuana clinician nurse to see how I was adapting to finding my dosage.

Then, the check-in calls stopped as I seemed to be adjusting to the product without issue, but with an open invitation to call if I had any questions or concerns.

n258_w1150
n258_w1150 by BioDivLibrary is licensed under CC-PDM 1.0

CBD Truly Helped

CBD significantly changed my life in many ways, meaning it calmed my body, my mind and my emotions.

It helped me, immensely.

My husband noticed how much calmer I was.

It truly helped our marriage as I was much calmer and not so reactive to the strong anxiety that would fill me, and then lash out in fear and anger.

As well, I began taking CBD in the spring of 2020 – when the COVID pandemic started sweeping the world.

At this time, I was just over a year of living an alcohol free life, and in hindsight, I truly believe I would have started drinking again if I hadn’t started CBD.

I would have wanted to reach for alcohol to ease my anxiety because of the global pandemic and my current living situation at that time escalated my fears.

On another note, the side effects of CBD were minimal and manageable.

If I remember correctly, the side effects back then were mainly lethargy and affected my appetite both in increasing it and decreasing it.

Cannabis
Photo by Alesia Kozik on Pexels.com

Very Expensive

However, the financial burden started to weigh too heavily on my mind as my daily dosing was at around 200mg – 10, 20mg CBD oil capsules out of a 60 capsule bottle that cost $110.00 before tax.

You can do the math as to how expensive CBD is.

I introduced THC as a way to lower the cost, as THC is much cheaper than CBD.

My initial THC consumption of choice were gummies, oil capsules and sublingual strips.

However, the combination of CBD and THC edibles – gummies and oil capsules – proved highly ineffective as I would be taken into THC induced panic attacks that, to me, felt like psychotic episodes where I became delusional and out of control.

It was very scary.

One time landing me in the hospital.

I stopped all THC edibles after that and only took the manageable sublingual strips.

How THC Helped

Sativa gave me clarity of thought as I was able to pause and put thoughts together in a clear and articulate way, as well as have wonderful insights about myself and the world around me.

Indica relaxed my body and my thoughts.

I was totally chilled.

It was awesome!

It was like I could finally function out in the world!

And, I did not feel high and horribly paranoid – like I did when I smoked weed.

The best way to describe how I felt using this THC, is that I felt “altered”.

photo of marijuana edibles on dark background
Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

Building Tolerance and Wanting More

Then, over time my tolerance to THC sublingual strips increased, as well as my tolerance to CBD oil.

I tried to cut back on CBD oil, but then my use of THC sublingual strips increased.

You see where this is going….

As well, I found myself in a situation that skyrocketed my anxiety as my mental health deteriorated – increasing my use of CBD and THC to try and help me.

I kept wanting to use more and more CBD and THC – chasing for its pleasurable effects – the addiction dragon was now awake.

On top of this, the THC side effect of appetite suppression seemed to slowly increase as my THC dosing increased.

I’m an avid runner, and I still pushed myself to extreme while not giving my body any fuel.

Then I was diagnosed with BPD and HPD.

It was then that I allowed all the symptoms of my diagnoses loose so I could see my full truth.

This didn’t end well for me.

I hit a THC induced state that brought me wide open and flooded my mind and body with memories, insights and emotions that I could not handle.

Thankfully, I reached out to a trusted friend who was able to talk me through my crisis.

It was then I realized I had to stop all THC and CBD products.

I’ll never forget that day.

Because I had known for months and months that I was taking too much THC and CBD.

That I was becoming addicted to it – and always wanting more.

I was in denial of accepting this.

I was just so desperate for something to calm my body and my mind.

It was then I realized how serious my diagnoses are.

And that I have to live a completely clean life to manage it.

What blows me away is – how the hell did I manage to make it this far in my life and still be a relatively functioning adult?

That said – my entire life has been pretty much unstable with undercurrents of chaos amidst times of relative stability.

As well, I wonder what my life would have turned out like if I had the supports in place now that I did not have back then.

Because in my twenties, I was desperate for help.

I knew something was wrong with me.

But, back then, everything went sideways for me when I entered a relationship with a therapist at the recovery program I was in.

I’m going to stop here, as I am also processing a recent development – the very clinical and thorough diagnoses assessment from the psychiatrist.

I’m reeling from the entire assessment.

It is empowering, yes.

And, to me, the very clinical nature of the assessment shows the ugly side of BPD and HPD.

These lines in particular (referring to what I thought was PTSD trauma) are sticking with me:

..she instead, refers to intense, overwhelming feelings and cognitive disruption/dissociation as “trauma”. This sort of intense emotional dysregulation and dissociation is in keeping with severe borderline personality disorder that may be observed and experienced more intensely due to the overlay of Stephanie’s histrionic personality style.

Exhale and breathe…

Thank gawd I didn’t end up in the hands of a narcissistic or anti-social or sociopathic monster.

But, that is a story for another day.

In Conclusion

I’ve friends who have daughters with BPD.

One mother buys her daughter weed because it calms her and they can have reasonable conversations together.

I know other people who smoke weed for anxiety and/or pain because it helps them.

I just cannot be one of those people who use THC and CBD to calm me because of addiction (and it is so fu%king expensive!).

As a person who has addiction in her blood – I do not have a regulatory off-button for addictive substances that calm the mind and body.

S, 🌻

Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

6 Comments Add yours

  1. I hope you are doing well today Stephanie 🙏

    1. I’m on the right path! It’s a bit of a road ahead, as it is the road less taken with lots of supports in place, but it is the way! Thank you… 💛

  2. Thanks for sharing this Stephanie, I’ve never used them and had no idea they could be addictive. I hope you find something to help you. Maggie

    1. Thank you, Maggie, 💛 I’ve everything in place to help me- weekly therapy with EMDR and DBT that is specific to BPD, a woman’s support group, acupuncture, running, healthy eating and I’m gong to learn Qigong!!

  3. mama says:

    Stephanie, I am so very proud of you! With your determination and all the supports in place, you sure are on the right path. Love you lots & lots! mama 💖💖💖

    1. Thanks mama!!!! Love you lots and lots, too! 🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛

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