Cognitive Distortions

I’ve had enough personal experience in therapy to be well aware of the types of cognitive distortions there are, usually addressed with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT. This blog isn’t about how this therapy works. I’m referring to CBT to identify the types of cognitive distortions or, simply put – negative thinking – that can happen to an individual and consequently affect a relationship. Negative thoughts = negative energy. This is exhausting, draining both you and the energy between you and your beloved.

According to PsychCentral, there are 15 common cognitive distortions:

1. Filtering
2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking)
3. Overgeneralization
4. Jumping to Conclusions
5. Catastrophizing
6. Personalization
7. Control Fallacies
8. Fallacy of Fairness
9. Blaming
10. Shoulds
11. Emotional Reasoning
12. Fallacy of Change
13. Global Labeling
14. Always Being Right
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

I struggle with many of the above distortions, especially taking things personally and jumping to conclusions – the conclusions are always of negative intent – the worst will always happen- and there is another distortion – catastrophizing!

I gotta say, in all my years in therapy – “Heaven’s Reward Fallacy” is new to me! I’m quite happy to see this on the list. Religion and guilt, in my humble opinion, go hand-in-hand, as PsychCentral’s definition suggests: “…the false belief that a person’s sacrifice and self-denial will eventually pay off, as if some global force is keeping score.” God is watching you! You better behave! You better do the right thing! In my spiritual world, a supernatural, loving force is the opposite of judgement and keeping score.

Click here to read the definitions of the above listed cognitive distortions on PsychCentral.

Negative Intent vs Positive Intent

I first heard this term in the workplace. It was said by a teacher before going into a staff meeting. She mentioned in passing about switching her attitude about the meeting from negative intent to a positive intent – that the staff meeting would be a good one.

If you get called down to the principal’s office – what is your first reaction? Negative intent or positive intent? I bet you think you’re gonna get in trouble! This is an example of negative intent.

The work place, for me, is one of the most difficult arenas to navigate – because most people truly don’t have your best interest at heart. Assuming positive intent of another’s thoughts and actions of you as part of a team, in my experience, is tricky. Not many workplace cultures breed positive intent – kinda difficult in a hierarchal employment setting where the leaders set the tone. I’ve worked over 37 jobs in my lifetime. Rarely, have I experienced leaders (bosses) who inspire and motivate me to be the best employee I can be.

Anywho, I’m getting off topic. But, I do bring this up because in my experience trust is built on positive intent and taken away with negative intent.

Lenses of Trust

Wearing the lenses of negative thinking, cognitive distortions, or negative intent is a waste of valuable energy and the opposite of trust. I still struggle with these lenses. However, mindfulness, exercise, and living an overall healthy lifestyle helps to build my self-confidence, bringing me out of my head and into my heart, energizing me with love!

Positive thoughts = positive energy!

Once I’m in my heart, my lenses transition from negative to positive intent.

When I’m wearing lenses of positive intent, all the negative intent I feel in my marriage switches to compassion and positive intent.

When I’m wearing lenses of positive intent, all the negative intent I feel in the workplace switches to compassion and positive intent.

When I’m wearing lenses of positive intent, I bring compassion and joy… wherever I go!

S, 💛

Originally published: March 17th, 2021

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose