2020 is the year of COVID.
2020 is also the year my husband Michael and I spent eight of these 12 months apart while we sorted through the long list of logistics of transferring his life (before us) in British Columbia, to our now life in Nova Scotia after repatriating from Qatar.
Either I was on the East Coast of Canada and he was on the West Coast, or I was on the West Coast and he was on the East Coast of Canada.
These months apart brought us closer together in many, many ways while we navigated struggles as a result of being apart. The space apart allowed us the ability to observe each other at a distance, as we worked our way through each struggle.
Apart and Secure
Photo Credit – Pinterest
I am applying this quote to Rule #31, in the context of accepting each other while we were apart, without the threat of leaving each other, even when it was challenging.
To know Michael would not leave me while we were apart, especially during the tough times, felt like a constant warm embrace from him, even when we were on opposite sides of Canada.
We cannot control another person. Clinging to a beloved, in fear of losing them, is smothering them. I am someone who suffered a great amount of loss in my childhood. These losses created a myriad of fears within me, that I’ve carried for a very long time.
These losses have been a difficult stories to let go of.
As a result, the eight months apart from Michael triggered my childhood stories of loss… again and again and again.
However, this year taught me I have the strength to eventually let these stories go.
One insight that is helpful is knowing when I was a child, I felt powerless over all the losses happening to me; but as an adult I do have power. I have power, strength and a growing trust in myself to navigate any potential losses brought about by those things I have zero control over: people, places and/or things.
Let it all go, and set it free…
Photo Credit – dancingthroughtherain.com
Need to Feel Needed
I believe we all want to feel needed, needed by another. To be needed by another shows us we have a purpose for that person and we mean something to someone. We are not alone.
I have not had children. Sometimes, I wish I had children. Someone who depended on me and as a result, I felt needed. But this is selfish. Raising a child is raising a little human being to be an autonomous entity in the world; to go out into the community and make a difference. To carve their own path, create their own life and discover who they really are and what their purpose is on this planet Earth.
It seems that an extreme need to feel needed (this seems like codependency?) would get in the way of being able to follow this #31 Rule for Love.
I now find myself thinking about the four types of adult attachment styles that evolve from early attachment patterns, explained in more detail on the website: psychalive
- Secure Personality
- Dismissive Personality
- Preoccupied Personality
- Fearful-avoidant Personality
Photo Credit – Research Gate – Bartholomew’s Two-Dimensional Model of Attachment
I think there are more people out there in the world who do not have a secure personality, than those who do. A healthy love based on a secure attachment created by two people with secure personalities is atypical in this crazy world we live in. A secure personality takes a lot of work if we were not raised in a secure attachment home.
So how can we allow space to breathe and grow in a relationship if our attachment styles are either too fearful to let go or too detached to show we care?
A journey towards a secure personality starts with a single step…
It is possible! It can be done!
I, by no means am 100% secure. I am, however, a lot more secure now than I was a month ago, a year ago, two years ago. Because I keep putting one foot in front of the other to finally be at peace with myself. The path to healing towards fully stepping into the best version of ourselves are many.. but keep moving forward! Keep moving forward!
Space is Needed to Breathe and Grow
Photo Credit – The Random Vibez
I’m not sure I stated the obvious of how important it is for the relationship to allow space to breathe and grow. I focused more on the challenges of being able to do so.
Nobody wants to feel controlled, not accepted for who they are, or smothered. To allow your partner space to breathe and grow is, to me, a sign of maturity, respect and trust. This is an authentic, heartfelt love for your beloved, allowing them space to identify what they personally need to become the best version of themselves with no strings attached.
If you love something set it free…
The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself…
If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world will not make them leave…
This is the truth.
Originally published: December 30th, 2020
About me: Stephanie Wells
I’m a Reiki Master Teacher of Usui Shiki Ryoho – the Usui System of Natural Healing. I was attuned in Levels I, II & IIIA in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. During a 6 week stay in Mararikulam North, Kerala, India I was reattuned in Levels I, II, & IIIA as well as acquiring my Level IIIB Master Teacher attunement.