What Are Mind Games?

I have to say, defining a mind game was not as easy as I thought when I started searching the Internet for clarity.

The best example I could find was described on Wikipedia.

I like the cowboy/visitor example. I will insert the exact description:

“Eric Berne described a psychological game as an organized series of ulterior transactions taking place on twin levels: social and psychological, and resulting in a dramatic outcome when the two levels finally came to coincide.^[14] He described the opening of a typical game like flirtation as follows: “Cowboy: ‘Come and see the barn’. Visitor: ‘I’ve loved barns ever since I was a little girl'”.^[15]At the social level a conversation about barns, at the psychological level one about sex play, the outcome of the game – which may be comic or tragic, heavy or light – will become apparent when a switch takes place and the ulterior motives of each become clear.”

Wikipedia – Mind Games

I like the description of the social and psychological interaction, it is a game people are playing, and the ulterior motives of each person will eventually become clear.

Heady stuff.

Mind Games Are Complex

Too complex for me to even try to dive into. What I interpret from the above example is that the interior motives of the people involved could be on a continuum from playful fun to dangerous intent; from fun flirtation to passive-aggression or outright aggression. Depends on the people involved and what they are trying to get out of a situation.

Mind Games – Getting What You Want

So, playing a mind game with another person is a round about way of getting what you want from them. Sounds like a power trip, or manipulation to me. But, more than that, it can be very hurtful if you know the other person well, and purposely play a game with their vulnerabilities to intentionally hurt them. Yuck. Mind games can be a cruel way of never taking responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

Mind Games – Psychological Hurt

Gas lighting comes to mind and is the strangest term for horrible psychological abuse.

Photo Credit: Gaslighting! The Who and What To Watch For – Faye E. Arcand

There is an excellent description of the kind of mind games people play on the website PsychCentral called exactly that, Mind Games People Play, that lists seven common mind games:

1. Disqualifying
2. Forgetting
3. Persecuting
4. Guilt-Tripping
5. Gas-Lighting
6. Shaming
7. Pretending

Click here to read the article Mind Games People Play, and the description of the seven common mind games people play to get what they want.

Getting What You Want – Choose Your Hard

Honesty is the best policy is a well known saying – but can be very hard if you don’t know how to be this way. I have come to truly appreciate the wisdom in the below description of choosing your hard. Learning to communicate to get your needs met, learning what your needs even are, learning to be open and honest, learning how to communicate effectively with respect and kindness… all these things are hard, and it takes a lot of courage to do so.

Photo Credit – Facebook – Transformation 12

Intention is Key – To Hurt or To Love

This was a particularly difficult Rule for Love to write through, because as humans and our human condition we may play mind games without knowing it; or may even be conditioned to do so because of our upbringing. Who hasn’t laid a guilt-trip, forgot on purpose, projected blame on the other because it’s too painful to take responsibility for our actions. This is the human condition.

Awareness opens the door to understanding intention.

Because intention is key.

Once we understand our intention – our intent for our behaviors – this opens the door to a deeper understanding of who we are and what we want.

We can begin to shift from hurt to love.

Trust is Earned, Not a Right

Mind games are the opposite of authentic connection.

Authentic connection in a relationship is a learned skill that takes years to happen. Why? Because we need to feel safe with the other person. This doesn’t happen overnight and is what makes the commitment to your beloved so special. The more hardships, challenges and difficult conversations you successfully navigate through, without mind games – the more you deepen your connection, your love.

You’re successfully transitioning from hurt to love; deepening your trust in each other.

Trust is earned, not a right.

In Conclusion

When I think about mind games – I feel manipulative.

Sneaky.

Not myself.

It doesn’t feel like love.

It feels… well, deeply sad.

Heady topic, indeed.

S, 💙

Originally published: March 14th, 2021

Featured Image – The Psychology Group – Fort Lauderdale

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose