Oh, 2020!!

2020 is the year of COVID.

2020 is also the year my husband Michael and I spent eight of these 12 months apart while we sorted through the long list of logistics of transferring his life (before us) in British Columbia, to our now life in Nova Scotia after repatriating from Qatar.

Either I was on the East Coast of Canada and he was on the West Coast, or I was on the West Coast and he was on the East Coast of Canada.

These months apart brought us closer together in many, many ways while we navigated struggles as a result of being apart. The space apart allowed us the ability to observe each other at a distance, as we worked our way through each struggle.

Apart and Secure

Photo Credit – Pinterest

I am applying this quote to Rule #31, in the context of accepting each other while we were apart, without the threat of leaving each other, even when it was challenging.

To know Michael would not leave me while we were apart, especially during the tough times, felt like a constant warm embrace from him, even when we were on opposite sides of Canada.

Freedom

We cannot control another person. Clinging to a beloved, in fear of losing them, is smothering them. I am someone who suffered a great amount of loss in my childhood. These losses created a myriad of fears within me, that I’ve carried for a very long time.

These losses have been a difficult stories to let go of.

As a result, the eight months apart from Michael triggered my childhood stories of loss… again and again and again.

However, this year taught me I have the strength to eventually let these stories go.

One insight that is helpful is knowing when I was a child, I felt powerless over all the losses happening to me; but as an adult I do have power. I have power, strength and a growing trust in myself to navigate any potential losses brought about by those things I have zero control over: people, places and/or things.

Let it all go, and set it free…

Photo Credit – dancingthroughtherain.com

Need to Feel Needed

I believe we all want to feel needed, needed by another. To be needed by another shows us we have a purpose for that person and we mean something to someone. We are not alone.

I have not had children. Sometimes, I wish I had children. Someone who depended on me and as a result, I felt needed. But this is selfish. Raising a child is raising a little human being to be an autonomous entity in the world; to go out into the community and make a difference. To carve their own path, create their own life and discover who they really are and what their purpose is on this planet Earth.

It seems that an extreme need to feel needed (this seems like codependency?) would get in the way of being able to follow this #31 Rule for Love.

Attachment Styles

I now find myself thinking about the four types of adult attachment styles that evolve from early attachment patterns, explained in more detail on the website: psychalive

• Secure Personality
• Dismissive Personality
• Preoccupied Personality
• Fearful-avoidant Personality

Photo Credit – Research Gate – Bartholomew’s Two-Dimensional Model of Attachment

I think there are more people out there in the world who do not have a secure personality, than those who do. A healthy love based on a secure attachment created by two people with secure personalities is atypical in this crazy world we live in. A secure personality takes a lot of work if we were not raised in a secure attachment home.

So how can we allow space to breathe and grow in a relationship if our attachment styles are either too fearful to let go or too detached to show we care?

A journey towards a secure personality starts with a single step…

It is possible! It can be done!

I, by no means am 100% secure. I am, however, a lot more secure now than I was a month ago, a year ago, two years ago. Because I keep putting one foot in front of the other to finally be at peace with myself. The path to healing towards fully stepping into the best version of ourselves are many.. but keep moving forward! Keep moving forward!

Space is Needed to Breathe and Grow

Photo Credit – The Random Vibez

I’m not sure I stated the obvious of how important it is for the relationship to allow space to breathe and grow. I focused more on the challenges of being able to do so.

Nobody wants to feel controlled, not accepted for who they are, or smothered. To allow your partner space to breathe and grow is, to me, a sign of maturity, respect and trust. This is an authentic, heartfelt love for your beloved, allowing them space to identify what they personally need to become the best version of themselves with no strings attached.

If you love something set it free…

The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself…

If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world will not make them leave…

This is the truth.

S, 💜

Originally published: December 30th, 2020

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose