Loneliness is difficult to define. It can have many meanings, subjective for each person who feels it.
At this time, my experience with loneliness is learning to be emotionally self-sufficient; a transition from reaching outside of myself for comfort to learning to reach within, and comfort myself.
I’m very aware I’m in the midst of the complex layers involved in personal transformation. You can read about the beginnings of this transformation by clicking the link below:
I watched a movie last night, filmed in my hometown of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada called Spinster.
The part of the story I identified with most is the protagonist’s journey from searching outside of herself to fill the void of loneliness to looking within for inner contentment and happiness.
I’m 3 months into living completely alone, that has brought about loneliness.
This time alone is a choice. I have options – I don’t have to be alone – but, for me it is the least chaotic choice. The backstory is too long to explain. This blog is about what it is like to be in a unique situation that brings about loneliness, some details about the loneliness and how I’m growing as a result of it.
This unique scenario about this time alone is how isolated I am. Simply stated, I are separated from everything that is me, everything that is familiar to me, everything that has meaning to me.
I am completely out of my comfort zone.
I am 5,000km away from home.
Family and friends are 5,000km away.
Some days feel like a day in Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day, minus the budding romance because my husband is working, 5,000km away. The job is temporary and we will soon be reunited – ending my time alone.
For right now, it is just me and our dog, whose willful terrier parts aren’t a great fit for my anxious parts, but we’re finding our way.
I participate in activities I enjoy, but can feel more lonely in a crowd because I’m missing my husband. He is my best friend. I miss him.
As a result, there are days when nothing seems to give me pleasure and I sink into depressive episodes.
It brings into question how much money and emotional investment should be expended to bring meaning and purpose into this alone time.
Talking to family and friends back home helps, in the moment. But I actually feel lonelier after the call. Sometimes, it is easier to not be in contact with them.
I’m not a social butterfly, who seeks out new friends. I’m an introvert, feeling shy to meet new people.
Boredom. Depression. Lack of purpose. It is impossible to commit to anything, because this isn’t home. Some days are all about watching the clock, waiting for it to be over, so this chapter can be done.
This aloneness triggers strong childhood fears; small parts not trusting I can take care of them. These small parts of myself are looking for someone other than me to save them. This is my work – to become their hero.
I take self-care steps: exercise, healthy eating habits, and therapy to guide me as I care for these small parts.
However, somedays I struggle with the “shoulds” – I tell myself I should be “embracing the day”, “making the best of it”, and “seeing endless possibilities”.
I should be doing more with this time, producing – accomplishing what I can.
But, as I transition through this loneliness, the energy invested into healing becomes the journey.
I don’t have to reach, strive, achieve, do.
I can rest, relax, and be…
To hear what my true Self has to say, during these days of deep healing and inner growth.
Feature Image: Rebloggy.com
About me: Stephanie Wells
I’m a Reiki Master Teacher of Usui Shiki Ryoho – the Usui System of Natural Healing. I was attuned in Levels I, II & IIIA in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. During a 6 week stay in Mararikulam North, Kerala, India I was reattuned in Levels I, II, & IIIA as well as acquiring my Level IIIB Master Teacher attunement.