Manipulation Means?

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of manipulation is:

“…influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one’s own purposes: a manipulative boss.”

Psychology Today Canada defines psychological manipulation as one person is used for the benefit of the other – there is not a constructive give and take in the relationship.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.”

Here is the link to the article: How to Spot and Stop Manipulators by Preston Ni.

Is it Manipulation or Control?

WikiDiff compares the two words when used as a noun:

“As nouns the difference between manipulation and control is that manipulation is the practice of manipulating or the state of being manipulated while control is (countable|uncountable) influence or authority over.“

Here is the link to the site: Manipulation vs Control – What’s the Difference?

So, my conclusion is: manipulation is using someone for your self-serving benefit, control is having authority over someone (usually fear-based) to make them do what you want.

Signs You’re Being Manipulated by Leslie Vernick

Author, speaker and counsellor Leslie Vernick at leslievernick.com has this clear list of what manipulation looks like:

The Guilt Trip

Guilt – If there was one emotion I could ban forever, it would be this one – this nasty, passive -aggressive tactic to play on another’s emotions to get what you want.

Photo Credit – Pinterest & @rebecca.rinldi

Don’t Manipulate to Get Results

To me, manipulation is doing everything you can to get your own way with another person, to get your own desired results. That’s not love. That’s self-centered. Self-serving. Selfish and cruel.

However, in my humble opinion, manipulation is a learned behavior. Of course, this behavior is on a continuum from: an innocent, non-aware way of getting our needs met to master manipulators with malevolent intent.

On average, I wonder how many of us were taught the productive life skills of healthy communication with active listening, empathy and win-win compromise? These skills are usually taught to us by therapists because we’ve gone to them to help us with boundaries, anger issues, etc…

Communication and Compromise to Get Results

Love has many healthy, wonderful aspects. A main one, to me, is deepening emotional connection through honest and open communication. This allows each person to be seen and heard, as well as opening a pathway to navigate an outcome that either attains a desired result or a win-win compromise.

Active listening and empathy is a learned skill. So is compromise, when everyone feels happy with the end result. I love Donna Martini’s description of compromise, I think her words describe it perfectly!

Photo Credit – Goluputtar.com

Conclusion

I’m not a practicing therapist nor an expert in behavior. I share my own personal understandings and experiences. Strategies such as manipulation and control, when used to get our needs met, creates a toxic relationship. How can love feel supported and nurtured, when emotional games are being played for personal gain or a desired result?

There is a perfect love out there – a love that is perfect for two imperfect people who strive to bring out the best in each other. Manipulation has no place here.

S, 💜

Originally published: May 22nd, 2020

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose