55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

Manipulation Means?

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of manipulation is:

“…influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one’s own purposes: a manipulative boss.”

Psychology Today Canada defines psychological manipulation as one person is used for the benefit of the other – there is not a constructive give and take in the relationship.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.”

Here is the link to the article: How to Spot and Stop Manipulators by Preston Ni.

Is it Manipulation or Control?

WikiDiff compares the two words when used as a noun:

As nouns the difference between manipulation and control is that manipulation is the practice of manipulating or the state of being manipulated while control is (countable|uncountable) influence or authority over.

Here is the link to the site: Manipulation vs Control – What’s the Difference?

So, my conclusion is: manipulation is using someone for your self-serving benefit, control is having authority over someone (usually fear-based) to make them do what you want.

Signs You’re Being Manipulated by Leslie Vernick

Author, speaker and counsellor Leslie Vernick at leslievernick.com has this clear list of what manipulation looks like:

The Guilt Trip

Guilt – If there was one emotion I could ban forever, it would be this one – this nasty, passive -aggressive tactic to play on another’s emotions to get what you want.

Don’t Manipulate to Get Results

To me, manipulation is doing everything you can to get your own way with another person, to get your own desired results. That’s not love. That’s self-centered. Self-serving. Selfish and cruel.

However, in my humble opinion, manipulation is a learned behavior. Of course, this behavior is on a continuum from: an innocent, non-aware way of getting our needs met to master manipulators with malevolent intent.

On average, I wonder how many of us were taught the productive life skills of healthy communication with active listening, empathy and win-win compromise? These skills are usually taught to us by therapists because we’ve no boundaries, anger issues, etc…

Communication and Compromise to Get Results

Love has many healthy, wonderful aspects. A main one, to me, is deepening emotional connection through honest and open communication. This allows each person to be seen and heard, as well as opening a pathway to navigate an outcome that either attains a desired result or a win-win compromise.

Active listening and empathy is a learned skill. So is compromise, when everyone feels happy with the end result. I love Donna Martini’s description of compromise, I think her words describe it perfectly!

Conclusion

I’m not a practicing therapist nor an expert in behavior. I share my own personal understandings and experiences. Strategies such as manipulation and control, when used to get our needs met, creates a toxic relationship. How can love feel supported and nurtured, when emotional games are being played for personal gain or a desired result?

There is a perfect love out there – a love that is perfect for two imperfect people who strive to bring out the best in each other. Manipulation has no place here.

S, ❤️

Christmas Day, 2018 - Rome, Italy

About me: Stephanie Wells

I’m a Reiki Master Teacher of Usui Shiki Ryoho – the Usui System of Natural Healing. I was attuned in Levels I, II & IIIA in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. During a 6 week stay in Mararikulam North, Kerala, India I was reattuned in Levels I, II, & IIIA as well as acquiring my Level IIIB Master Teacher attunement.

55 Rules For Love:

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

13 Comments Add yours

  1. M'bolla says:

    Thanks joyfulstephanie on Manipulating and Guilt.
    But there is another side to guilt.. It is not always a negative emotion per se. It can be a healthy reminder to our moral conscience when we are acting unethically. But unhealthy guilt excessively punishes us for our mistakes. Having us doing penance for eternity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re absolutely right – healthy guilt that guides us when we know we’ve crossed a line, and need to make amends. And you’re so right – that need to punish ourselves for eternity because we feel guilty over mistakes! Thank you for your insights on healthy and unhealthy guilt! 🌻💛🌻

      Like

  2. Love this post and your 55 rules! I’m so happy for you to have found a healthy love!!💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Yvonne!! Our marriage is a deeply invested commitment of love and growing together! Five steps forward, a few steps back, then forward again!! It’s not perfect, but it it perfect for us!!! 💛🌻💛

      Like

      1. That’s the best part! Perfect for you both! Congrats!! So happy for you! 💛🌻💛

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Margie says:

    Stephanie, so many times, I read your posts and I am thinking to myself, “this girl has the most amazing insight.” And you do and you have shared more amazing insights here!
    I think that being a manipulator in any kind of relationship is so very unhealthy and leads to nothing but disaster!
    Passive-aggressive people are unbearable!

    Look at you two, in that beautiful photo, it just makes my heart smile! 🙂

    Hugs and love ~
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After my run this early afternoon, I was listening to Tara Brach and Radical Self-Acceptance on Calm, while rolling a lacrosse ball under my feet. I thought of you, when she concluded her session on circles of compassion. You give kindness to other’s so freely and full-heartedly… you make the world a better place Margie. I’m so grateful meeting you here in WordPress…
      ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Margie says:

        Wow! You made my heart smile! 🙂
        I feel the same way about you!
        Maybe, someday, we might even meet in person!
        ❤ ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My husband is a skydiver, and has skydived many times in Arizona. We plan on returning some day, so he can participate in another “skydiving boogie”. Maybe then, we could plan to meet! ❤️❤️❤️

        Like

      3. Margie says:

        Michael is a skydiver! Wow!
        Someday, I hope so much to meet both of you!
        ❤ ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Me too, Margie!!! ❤️❤️❤️

        Like

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