Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Musings During Day 78

February 18, 2019

Is the day I stopped drinking alcohol. This isn’t a first for me. I’ve a history with struggles of alcohol addiction.

My Struggles With Alcohol Can be Read in These Blogs:

Life is Good

Life truly is better without alcohol. I feel healthier. I have more energy. My face isn’t puffy. My belly isn’t bloated. My heartburn is gone. My marriage is better. I’m learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of numbing them. I’m much more aware, and present in my life. I’m creating healthy habits that enhance my life like running (I’m training towards running a half marathon this year), cardio exercise, biking, eating healthy, and new hobbies like snowboarding, learning (slowly) how to play the guitar and painting rocks!

Here is a picture of my first painted rock! My husband is the real artist, and he traced the peace sign for me!

May, 2020 - Campbell River, Vancouver Island, British Columbia - My first painted rock!!

Anxiety

I’ve a history of anxiety and depression as a result of PTSD. I’ve just recently come through an acute episode of crisis, where my stress levels were very high. The stressors have mitigated, and I feel much more in control now. Lorazepam helped me through that, and I’m on my last prescription.

What I do notice, more-so now than ever, is this undercurrent of anxiety, that I’ve always had. Drinking alcohol to “calm” me, in reality brought me more stress. Now that I’m not drinking, that I have removed this stressor, it is easier to identify with this undercurrent anxiety.

As of today, this simmering of anxiety, according to my new therapist, is perpetuated by fear-based cognitive distortions, that I am having difficulties managing. The lorazepam helps with this, immensely. This magical little pill slows the swirling thoughts, and takes them away. I feel peaceful, calm, present and in the moment.

But, lorazepam is an addictive prescription drug. I can’t stay on it forever. So, my question is – THE QUESTION IS – will I be able to achieve this level of calm mind that lorazepam gives me, on my own? Or will I have have to transition to an non-addictive prescription to help manage my anxiety?

Anxiety that is all caused by my thoughts.

I can be alone or with other people – my cognitive distortions are a constant battle in my mind.

My husband and I talk about when my anxiety is at a minimum, and it is always when I am engrossed in an activity that I truly enjoy.

Running and exercise of course help – they are my natural anti-depressants! I always exercise in the mornings – that is when I have the energy to do so. It is the afternoons and evenings that I struggle the most with my thoughts. This is when I take lorazepam.

I’ve built some scaffolding along with lorazepam to help me with my thinking. I have started individual counseling, again. I’ve downloaded the app Calm, and listen to it before bed – practicing a 10 minute meditation called the Daily Calm – that helps to strengthen the muscles in my mind to follow my breath, and not follow the story it has just created. I’ve stepped back into practicing Reiki again – just small sessions – here and there – when I have time.

Then another noticing happened…while I am on lorazepam (always the afternoon and into the evening) and feeling peaceful and calm…

I Miss That Fun Mind Altering Feeling

I find myself feeling bored with all this peacefulness and calm!! I miss the buzz that I would get after two glasses of wine! I don’t miss drinking. I don’t miss getting drunk. I miss that silly, bubbly, goofy, heady, fun, mind-altering feeling. All this calm that lorazepam gives me – is, at times….. boring!!

I have lots of things to do!! My life is far from boring!!! I am not at a loss of activities to participate in. It is when I’m tired out at the end of a day – and don’t have the energy or desire or focus to participate in something meaningful or fun – that I want an easy in to that fun, mind altering feeling to make the moment more interesting; a bit more exciting than peaceful and calm!

My Wild Woman is like “What the F*&K! I get that we’re not drinking anymore, I get that we’re living healthy and making better choices. I get this whole calm, peaceful living. But it sure can be boring at times!”

I get it, Dr. Dyer!! But, damn, sometimes I miss the mild altering fun of my mind being altered in a fun way!!

Wayne Dyer - Boredom Quote

Filling the Void

I’m not sure this void of “missing that fun feeling of my mind being altered in a fun way” can be filled?

Well, I’m sure it can – if I want to use drugs (in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous – alcohol is a drug – period).

Yes, lorazepam is a drug – that is altering my mind, to feel peaceful and calm. But this is a doctor prescribed, monitored drug for short-term use to help with acute anxiety.

It is the “fun” & “party” mind altering feelings I miss, that is creating this void.

This void, I don’t think, can be filled naturally – if I want to live a clean life.

These are my musing for today. My noticings. My awareness of where I am at living alcohol free.

Hopefully, this void is just a passing phase on the path of living life alcohol free.

S, ❤️

About me: Stephanie Wells

I’m a Reiki Master Teacher of Usui Shiki Ryoho – the Usui System of Natural Healing. I was attuned in Levels I, II & IIIA in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. During a 6 week stay in Mararikulam North, Kerala, India I was reattuned in Levels I, II, & IIIA as well as acquiring my Level IIIB Master Teacher attunement.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Margie says:

    Bravo Stephanie, you should be so proud of yourself!
    Alcohol free for 78 days is a major accomplishment!
    I love the painted rock!
    It’s beautiful~
    I wish you a beautiful day!
    <3 <3 <3

    1. Thank you Margie!!! I hope your day is beautiful too!! ❤️❤️❤️

  2. I am really proud of you Stephanie!!!! ♥♥♥ I have used CBD to help with anxiety and my family does too. It helps take the edge off which may be helpful to you. If you want to know more about it, let me know. You can take a gummie whenever you want or bathe with a CBD bath bomb or even take a dropperful to help you sleep. If you want to check it out, let me know as I’d love to help you.

    1. Thank you Yvonne. Yes, I am very interested in CBD. I spoke with my husband about it. He is very familiar with it, and agrees it might be a food fit for me. I’d like to know more about it from you. Up in my menu section, I have a contact me button on my home page. I’d really like to hear from you and know more about CBD! 🌼🌸✨❤️

      1. I’m going to your contact page now so we can communicate! 🙂

      2. I have your email, will reply this morning!! 🌻🌻🌻

  3. projectzachor says:

    So impressed with your honesty and perseverance, Stephanie! You describe that void perfectly. I can definitely relate. Alcohol is so powerful, seductive and so poisonous. Nothing feels better than waking up without a hangover. The late afternoon/evening is a tricky time. I wonder if it’s a form of “sun downing” we often hear about with the elderly, especially those dealing with dementia. It’s a tough few hours to get through. So proud of who you are! Thank you for sharing your journey! 🥰♥️

    1. Bestie!!!! 🥰❤️ The afternoon is the most challenging times for sure, especially after a long afternoon of home repair, improvement and landscaping! One day at a time!!! We can be proud together as we share this alcohol free journey together!! ❤️❤️❤️

      1. projectzachor says:

        You are my hero, Stephanie! I wish I could be there on the sidelines to cheer you on in person! ♥️🥰

      2. Ginormous Hugs to You My Bestie!!!! You too are my hero…as we hold hands during our AF journey together!!!! Your courage and determination is inspiring!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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