How Do You Process and Handle Life?

How do you and your partner process and handle life?

My husband and I are very different.

I tend to worry, am reactive and am very expressive.

My husband lets life roll, for the most part stays calm, and keeps his thoughts to himself.

When conflict arrises between us, I want to jump right in and deal with it – whether I’m calm or not.

My husband wants to avoid it, walk away and will talk about it later.

Communication Skills

It is too bad that schools don’t teach life skills such as empathy, mindfulness and how to communicate.

Open and honest communication is such an important skill, because we are telling someone our story – our perception of the world and how we feel about it. When our partner communicates openly and honestly and we listen wholeheartedly, we embrace their story, we hear them and this says that what they have to say is important. They matter.

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned

Effective communication skills take time and effort to master because you have to unlearn the ineffective communication habits that are causing the breakdown in your ability to communicate.

I’m an interrupter. When I listen, I’m not really listening, I’m scripting in my head my defense and my reply. I’m focused on my own emotional reaction as my husband shares his side of the story. Sometimes, I just need to be right.

My husband struggles with empathy. If he doesn’t relate to a problem, then that must mean there isn’t one.

Active Listening

There are 3 steps to active listening:

1. Content and paraphrasing – this is the ability to detach from your own brain and interpretation to actually repeat back what your partner has said. Example: If I hear you correctly, what you’re saying is….
2. Reflect emotional content – this is the ability to identify the emotions your partner is expressing and express this back to them. Example: You sound really sad and hurt right now….
3. Pay attention to body language – this is the ability to pick up non-verbal cues from your partner and connect that to the content. Are their arms crossed in defense, are they not able to look you in the eye, is one leg restless? This skill helps to identify emotional content.

Speaker and Listener

These skills only work when one person is assigned the role of speaker, the other is the listener. However, the listener has to be centered and calm. If the other person is agitated, then space is needed to cool down. This is the give and take of finding the balance of when to approach the issue.

Check In

When space is needed to cool down, it is important to acknowledge that this space does not reflect an abandonment of the issue. The issue will be acknowledged, feelings will be acknowledged when one of you are ready to step into the role of listener.

Honesty

Getting honest takes time and practice. It requires a safe place to be received and embraced. It is not easy when my husband tells me a behavior of mine is hurting him. Or vice versa. This is why I must be calm as the listener to receive this heartfelt admission from my husband.

Deepens Emotional Connection

This level of mature and loving communication deepens the emotional connection between you. When my husband truly feels heard, he feels respected, and deeply loved. When my husband understands my emotional reactions, I feel heard and deeply loved.

Final Thoughts

Some painful, ongoing issues between couples may need a trained therapist to mediate active listening skills; to help guide and maintain the three steps of active listening.

The skills of active listening and open & honest communication takes patience, kindness, and unwavering love. It’s gonna be messy and mistakes will be made. But the first step is awareness and a willingness to try…

Yes, Yoda! Try!! Try to evolve into doing!!

S, 💙

Originally published: May 2nd, 2020

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose