Control = Fear

I have spoken many times during this Rules For Love blog series of my fear and it’s roots in trauma. Fear, if not understood and embraced to heal in a marriage, creates havoc. Trying to control my husband as a result of my fears and inability to trust, certainly created havoc.

Embracing freedom, this symbiotic yet autonomous flow in my marriage, was terrifying because “WHAT IF…” haunted me.

As a result of my history, I grew up with an inherent mistrust of men. My inner child belief that men are bad, men will cheat or hurt you was a deafening scream, woven into my DNA. One way I dealt with my fear of men was keeping my heart in a safe bubble, while remaining disconnected, aloof and fun-loving. My years of people-pleasing trained me with a know-how of the appearance of connection. When I started to truly open my heart, and try to connect – fear would flood me. Control, for me meant knowing exactly what my husband was doing and thinking at every moment.

Somehow, this would keep me safe.

What did this knowing look like? Craziness. My mind would create nothing into something. I wore lenses with fear filters. I was hyper-vigilant, and anxious. I was suspicious. I asked questions. I doubted. I panicked. I had nightmares. I could not relax.

It was just a horrible way to live and horrible for the marriage. If I was looking for reasons to mistrust in my marriage – I was sure to find it, because I was looking for it. If I remained hyper-vigilant, I would soon discover what I was looking for – you can’t trust men – prove that I was right – and be safe.

Crazy, ‘eh!

Allowing each other freedom to live, without constant interrogation of who, what and when was a skill set I did not know how to do.

As well as stepping out of all-or-nothing thinking from all men are untrustworthy to not all men are bad.

With the ongoing help of some amazing healers, I have been able to reconcile some of the childhood messages of mistrusting men that have been imprinted on my brain. I’ve learned to give some men a worthwhile chance.

Control = Need To Have My Own Way = Not Willing To Compromise

Then there is this.

This type of control, in my opinion, reflects a stubborn, inflexible nature. There is only one way to do something. It is my way or the highway. My way is the right way.

When I apply this to myself, I think of my need to have a place for everything and everything has a place – I’m a clean freak. I need order around me, because my brain is so chaotic. I can only sit and relax in a room that is clean, quiet, organized and spacious. If there is chaos, clutter, noise and everything is everywhere – I cannot relax.

I also think of situations where I am unable be flexible, because I spent so many years as a door-mat people pleaser – agreeing with everyone without any voice or opinion of my own. Now, I will not do something I do not want to do, and that is that. For example, I will not sit through a movie I have no desire to see.

Compromise is a Promise

Compromise is an art form. The word promise is in the word compromise.

I promise that we, Michael will be happy with an end result because we both have a right to be happy… with the end result. The art form of compromise is navigating to the end result with respectful communication.

So, when it comes to my need to have everything in its place and a place for everything, if I want it that way, then I work to have it that way. My husband helps, but a bit of him scattered about is what marriage is.

As for not doing something I really don’t want to do. I’m still working on this. This applies mostly to social situations really. My husband and I are are homebodies, who enjoy hanging out at home together. That said, I will not watch something on Netflix with him, if I really don’t want to watch it.

I am not watching The Outlander!!

Gawd, horrible acting at its best!!!

Control = Trying to Change My Husband

I want you to be more like this, more like that and do more of this.

There is a fine line between asking for my needs being met in my marriage and doing a personality overhaul on Michael.

Why would I marry someone, then try to change who they are to get my needs met?

My husband and I are opposites, as opposites do tend to attract. I’m openly expressive, impulsive and love to laugh.

My husband is covert in his expression, quiet and thoughtful.

We’ve had tug of wars with wanting the other to be more like ourselves, to either get our needs met or feel more comfortable with each other because we are more alike. As we accumulate a history, and settle into our marriage, we’re evolving to cherish our differences rather than try to change them.

Final Thoughts

Control is a slippery slope that feels more like insanity and disconnect, than two peaceful hearts moving together to deepen their loving connection.

S, 💛

Originally published: March 17th, 2020

55 Rules For Love:

Study Of “The 55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose