Here, at the age of 49, I’ve had another “aha” moment about love.   A more mature, deeper “aha” moment.  A new understanding of the many dynamic layers within an authentic, healthy love.

Love, according to Stephen Covey, is a verb – an action word with the resulting emotion, feeling of love that blossoms from the action.

I agree with this definition of love. My “aha” moment is an action, the action of learning to step outside my emotional safety zone to protect myself when I feel hurt and hide away to instead have compassion and forgive.  To embrace instead of push away.  To see the other with “soft eyes”.

Nothing new, I know.  But the action of a compassionate love is so much harder than the knowing. Plus, with anxiety, depression and alcohol addiction always knocking at my door – I was a safety first kinda gal. Safety first to protect myself from being hurt appears as a selfish behavior. And in hindsight – it is.  Because I no longer need to be thinking of me first to protect myself.  I’m no longer that scared little girl with abandonment issues.  I’m a woman who can keep myself safe, in mature and loving ways using mindful skills for the anxiety & depression and living an alcohol free life.

I haven’t become a doormat – what I am is a calmer, more rational woman who speaks from her heart with a sense of peace.  Who is learning to let go, because I don’t need to hold on to proof/the hurt  that I’m not safe to protect myself.  The hurt little girl has matured into a woman.

Because starting with myself:

I am safe.

I am loved.

And can now love more freely with an authentic, compassionate heart……

I write all of this to share my journey towards a more conscious, authentic life.  But my ability to love so deeply, with safety is also because of the man I’ve married.  He is safe.  He offers me the safety in areas my little girl feared, to be able to grow.  My ability to love him this deeply wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t safe.  If he cheated on me, yelled at me, or abused and disrespected me in any way.  

I love you Michael……  <3 <3 <3 

S, <3