As I look back on different blogs where I share my thoughts and feelings on my journey of life, as well as thoughts and feelings on my journey as first a Student, then Practitioner, then Master/Advanced Practitioner of Reiki – I notice that within each blog I’m sharing exactly where I’m at – what aspect of self I’m able to be present with at that time – what I can handle – what I can process in search of my own truth.
I’ve struggled with addictions since my late 20’s. Then here in my late 40’s I’ve stepped back into addiction – always with alcohol. Wine. My drug of choice as it it said in the 12 Step rooms.
It has taken me the last three years to break free of my denial and accept that addiction had once again, a grip on me. I fought it tooth and nail – justifying every glass of wine I drank. During those 3 years I tried everything to cut back on my drinking – knowing deep inside I was consuming too much – and it was causing issues in my marriage. I tried to negotiate with my addiction – I’ll only drink this much on weekends – that didn’t work. I tried to barter with my addiction – I’ll do this or whatever to be allowed to drink – guilt free!! I’d have periods where I was successful with reducing my drinking, I’d cut back, even stop drinking for weeks at a time. But the craving would get the better of me. The daily battle to not give into the cravings would wear me down. Exhaust me. Then the cravings would win – and I was drinking again.
I ranted that I loved wine so much! I loved how it made me feel. I told myself drinking wine brought me back to my true self because it broke down barriers, walls I had up protecting my heart. But what it did was unleash the hidden hurts I had buried deep within me and I became a very angry, resentful drunk who wanted to fight.
I spoke of how much I loved drinking wine with meals – wine is meant to paired with food!! Wine is meant to be enjoyed. Yes, by those who can handle it.
I cannot handle it. The last three years, I had cravings to drink that were so extreme, I felt consumed by it. Drinking would be the first thing I wanted to do after work. The first thing I wanted to do all weekend. I would have drank wine every night, a lot of wine, if I could.
What I was really doing was numbing.
Numbing deep unhappiness. Deep hurts and resentments I could not let go of.
I was betraying my true self from coming forward. My true voice – my spiritual self.
Caroline Myss, in her pod cast called Get Back to Your Nature, on Soul Feed – speaks of addictions. That addiction commands you. How any behavior that comes from a place of fear of internal growth is an addiction – an addiction of any type – be it addiction to attention, social media, work, gambling, exercise, eating, drugs, power, etc…..
It was an evolution a few weeks ago – during the last few days of my recent Reiki Level 3A – 21 Day Reiki Cleanse – I came to see that if I removed the obvious issue of my drinking in my marriage – the true – deeper issues would honestly surface – that needed to be addressed. These same deep issues that erupted and exploded when I drank, because alcohol was an aggressive truth serum for me.
Not only would I have to face those truths, I also had to face the truth that I was hurting myself by drinking so much. I needed to start loving myself first.
That “Ah-Ha” moment happened when I finally understood what it means to love yourself first. I immediately think of the safety demonstration flight attendants give during take-off, that you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you help another with their mask.
You have to help yourself – love yourself first. I have to help myself first, love myself first.
Drinking is not helping myself. It is not loving myself.
I started to pray to God to remove my craving to drink alcohol. I prayed with Reiki to help heal my craving for wine – then alcohol period. I prayed daily – I wanted my life back. I wanted to get to my life purpose and my inner truths – that alcohol was keeping me from. Each day that I prayed to remove my craving to drink – was another day I didn’t drink. Soon the days started adding up….
And then a miracle happened – my craving for drinking stopped. It has been over a week now – almost two I think… Not once have I craved a drink – or had a drink. I’m not sure when the miracle happened – I was just so busy praying – that I slowly started to notice that I wasn’t craving wine on a daily basis anymore.
Now, when I think of alcohol, my body almost feels as though it rejects it. I can picture a glass of wine in my mind – and my body doesn’t want it. There is no reaction. I picture a cold, tall glass of beer – my body doesn’t want it. I don’t want it because that cold, tall glass of beer is poison to me. Nice and shiny pretty – but poison. I even imagine the taste of wine and beer – and my body doesn’t want it!
I still think about alcohol, because alcohol was part of my routine. I now have to replace the time I drank with self-loving habits. I have done this with exercise. I walk. And walk and walk. I practice Reiki. I practice Reiki again. I pray. I pray. I pray.
I do what I love that authentically makes me happy. I think moment to moment – what will make me feel happy next?
I still pray everyday, with Reiki, and I ask God, my helpers, angels….to keep me alcohol free and to continue to not crave alcohol. As well, to continue to make self- loving choices that are healthy and bring me closer to my reason for being here on this earth – my authentic self.
I’m inspired now by Gabby Bernstein. Her story of her battles with addiction. She’s now over 10 years sober – her addiction is part of her story that brought her to where she is today- a leading motivational speaker! I’ve been listening to her pod casts while exercising on my elliptical each morning before work! She’s amazing!! A truly inspiring woman!!!!!!!
As we share our story, share the light we found as we made our way out of darkness, hopefully we inspire another to share their story too……
With so much heart,