Today as I settle into day seven of my Spring Break Staycation I am drawn to write.

I realize that it has taken me this long just to settle into a home vacation.  Yes, while this is a decision to relax at home, and truthfully I can’t bring myself to spend money on another trip when summer break is just around the corner and thoughts of renting a villa to submerse into the culture of either the south of France or Italy seems to call me……

This summer we’ve signed up to volunteer at the Vancouver Island Musicfest in July (bit of background – Michael’s home was Vancouver Island before moving to the Middle East and has attended the festival as an electrical volunteer for many years – this year he is bringing his new wife – interesting blog to follow this story, I’m sure of it!! LoL!!!!) and then it is a cross Canada trip to visit family in Ontario and Nova Scotia.  So with two months of vacation with time in Europe, possibly a  Mediterranean Cruise with the added bonus of my first time in British Columbia, attending a music festival, volunteering at one, then visiting both my family and Michael’s family including the role of grandmother – I’m stoked!!!

Ps……I’ve never been a mother so this new role as grandmother sure feels special!!

Interestingly enough is the amount of time it has taken me to lean into relaxing while at home on a staycation.  Because at home there is always a list, something to cook, something to clean, something to repair, something to do; always the obligation to take care of something.  Something outside of myself.

It has taken me five days to get our home in order, almost, with a sprinkling of vacation in-between. However, these five days I’ve had the luxury of sleeping in!!  🙂

So what of taking care of myself.  What does this have to do with Surviving vs Thriving?

Surviving leaves little energy to do anything else but that.

Thriving means there is head space to do so.

Surviving means being in a place where I was searching for a secure/the right job, making more money than just enough to survive. Finding a stable relationship – finding someone stable to love.  Those years of searching to find a secure and meaningful life.

Thriving means I’ve made my way up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to be in a place of transitioning from esteem to self-actualization.

Here at 48….about to turn 49 this month.  I can finally start to relax into thriving.

Thriving is subjective.  I’ve been in two long term relationships before my marriage.  Neither one allowed me to thrive, the first for complacency issues, the second for fear of intimacy issues.  Finances are always part of security – which is also quite subjective.  I always wanted it without sacrificing integrity.  There was no room for financial growth during the first relationship. In the second relationship, he didn’t want to share his wealth, no matter how hard I worked, for fear the wealth would diminish. This fear was one thread of the entire quilt of fears.

Yet my part in all of this is that I didn’t have the courage or knowledge at the time to know how to know what I wanted. I just survived.  That is all I knew what to do.

Confused?

I was for many years.

But I always held my own.  With the support of my parents at many times, I regrouped.

Then I met my husband.  I didn’t know what I wanted or needed to thrive.  I did know what I wanted was to open my heart.  Same but different. One is safety.  One is to feel safe enough to thrive.

I can finally thrive.  Because I feel safe.

With the added bonus of the world now opened up to me.  But this only happened because I took a risk.  Another blog for another day.

Because adventure is in my blood. My parents passed this on to me.

Life is to be lived.  Risks are to be taken.  Fear is to be stepped into.  An open heart  – to be vulnerable – is what leads the way.

S, xo